Reflections | 2013

I have been meaning to reflect on 2013 for the past 29 days.  It seems the thing to do in the world of blogs. 2013 was quite a strange year -- I should have also reflected on 2012 last year but was in such shock in the last month of 2012 and the first few months of 2013 that it wasn't going to happen.  But I can look back on things now with different eyes.

2013...

...was the year I had to learn to walk through life without my dad.  For 34 years he was my greatest fan.  For many of those years he was my sole companion and best friend.  2013 rang in just as I came home from his hospice center where the funeral home had just picked up his body.  Fireworks were going off all around me.  It was a brutal reminder that life was moving on without him.  Time did not stop.  The world was not in shock or weeping with me.  I didn't expect of all that to happen.  Oh, but I really wanted that to happen.

...was the year that I learned to plan a funeral.  And that you can fire the people you are working with.

...was the year that I saw my husband live out an aspect of our vows (for better or for worse) in a very tangible way.  I never doubted that he would but this is where I saw love pour forth from a man who already shows me an abundance of love that I do not deserve.  I had no idea what I was doing nor did I really want to do anything.  He waded through bureaucratic red tape and whatnot.  You know, all the stuff that comes from a parent who had three government pensions and an outdated will.  Sigh.  He is my knight in shining armor.  He tackled it all without flinching or even being asked.  He just did it knowing I was struggling to even get up and feed our family.

...was the year that we sold not one but two houses.  My dad's house which took five days to sell and our rental house which took...much, much longer.

...was the year that we started our homeschooling journey.  Miss L started kindergarten.  It has been an amazing journey and just like I loved being there for her baby milestones I love that I get to be a part of these milestones as well.  Sure there are days that I want to pull my hair out.  But more often than not we have a good time.

...was the year that I started running.  I wanted to lose the baby weight that has accumulated.  Instead I broke my leg and was diagnosed with osteopenia.

...was the year that we lived in a hotel in San Diego from mid-September until the end of January 2014.  It has been an adventure for sure.

...was the year that we took our girls to Disneyland for the first time.  It was amazing!  One of my favorite memories for sure.  It was in part thanks to bad weather and our cousins Lindsay and Emily, too.

...was the year that I had actual physical health issues once we entered the one year time period since my dad got sick.  Breathing issues that warranted a trip to the ER among other things.  They started just after Thanksgiving which was when my dad was first admitted into the hospital  Oddly enough, all subsided after the new year passed.

...was the year that I learned that I still love to read.  It's a beautiful thing and I am sad that I lost so much time with so many good books.  I am also thankful that I am surrounded by such well read people.  From the end of August until the end of the year I read 23 books of varying genres, topics, and of course length.

The year had highs and lows... as do all years.  Some things this past year were more significant than others. We had our normal vacations and fun.  My family always makes me laugh and we love being together.  At the end of the year, whether it was particularly hard or we seem to breeze through in our ordinary lives, I know that I am extraordinarily blessed.

Small Things | His Watch

It's Christmas eve.

We returned home from a family service with Husband's parents, dinner, and looking at lights.  Our hearts are light...but we are tired.  We are thankful all is ready for the morning.

Except the stockings.

I quickly located them in a bag.  I counted out seven big boot sacks.  I mention quickly that I am glad I didn't find my dad's thinking it was in a bag in another room.

Then his fell out onto the chair.  I notice it has some heft to it.  I reach in my arm recognizes the small flags that veteran organizations brought to him in hospice.  My hand seizes something metal and a wave of emotion and shock pulsate through my body.  I look at Husband and exclaim, "His watch!" and the fount of tears comes forth.  I cannot control it.  My girls watch in wonder as I hold the watch tight and Husband holds me tighter.  My oldest begins to cry, too.  Later my middle one says, "I'm gunna give you some love, okay?"  Sweet girls.

My dad was kind of obsessed with his watch.  He pretty much went batty when he didn't have it.  It was one of the first things he requested to have when he left the hospital.  However, he only wore it for a time while in hospice because it became too big for him.  However, it was always on his bedside or he would have it in his lap.

Oddly, the watch is still keeping time and the day is still correct.  The date is off but I think that came from the months with only 30 days and my dad would have to change it to the first when it read 31.

While the discovery was quite emotional...it was quite providential. Healing.  Welcome.

These Days are Marked

These days are marked for me.

They are marked with sweet joy of celebrating advent that leads to Christmas celebrations. Birthdays for two of my girls.  Decorations I love. Family Traditions. Family...

This year they are also marked with incredible Heartache. Loss. Memories.

Around this time last year we were celebrating my youngest's first year of life while facing the fact that my dad was finishing his last.

It all takes my breath away like it just happened.  The days... good and bad... play in my mind.  The pictures are blurred by tears that I cannot stop.

I miss my papa.  Every. Day.  Some days are extremely difficult.  Others are not so bad.  Most probably think that I am doing okay.  For the most part I am don't get me wrong.  On a lot of days I just want to sit and cry.  I have three little ones that distract me and need me to keep going.  My two older ones will randomly talk about him when I least expect it.  On some occasions it makes me laugh or smile and on others I fight back tears or they spill out.

Some people ask about him or how I am doing. Most do not. It's awkward for some. It's okay.  It's true...life is but a vapor and the grass remembers us no more.

It has been strange to not ponder over what gift to buy him this year as he seemed to have all that he wanted. Or he would tell me that what was on his list was far too expensive which generally meant that it was some firearm he wanted. HA!

My gift to him last year was a CD of hymns (he was listening to it when he passed.) In all the years I had with him I don't remember him being quite as grateful as he was for this one.  I can still see him mouthing the words "thank you." to me.  Maybe I'll pull it out sometime... maybe

Indeed, these days are marked.  Marked by hope that came as a little baby under the cover of night.  Hope that grew to be a man of stature and character that would pay the ultimate sacrifice of dying on a cross for my sins.  Hope that rose from the dead.  Hope that promises the resurrection of the body and life everlasting. That Hope is Jesus.  A Hope that Papa has...a Hope that I have.  In this I find great comfort...yes... and joy. Even in my tears.

Nature Walks

Miss A's Collection

 So, it's hot in Phoenix during the summer.  Right.  Everyone knows that.  You would know then that getting the motivation to go for a fun little walk to explore is utterly...impossible.

However, the last two months or so here in San Diego has afforded us the opportunity to still go on walks around our hotel and other places in the city.  I never realized until this time how much Miss A loves to be outside exploring and looking at every little thing.  She has sharp eyes and finds the oddest things.  Sticks, pine cones, snail shells, acorns, berries, etc.  She loves it.  I also noticed if she is having a hard day if you give her about fifteen minutes to walk around outside, run, and explore she is a much happier person.  Miss L could go either way and she is too finicky to start picking everything up.  It's funny to see their personality differences coming out more.

I recently posted this on Facebook:

"Abby is my outdoor explorer. Today's short expedition yielded acorns to add to her collection of pine cones, snail shells, and leaves."

A friend (Mr. Y) then posted later, "I knew a guy like that..."  Here he was referring to my dad, Miss A's Grandpa T.  I replied, "...maybe that would explain their special bond..."  To which he said, "Amen."

The next morning Miss A was playing with some linking cubes that we use for math.  She put them together and told her daddy, "I'm going out to shoot some birds!"  Yes, a deep bond indeed.  My husband and I just looked at each other in light of previous conversations about Miss A and my dad and busted up laughing. (For those that don't know my dad he was an AVID hunter all of his days.  Even if he didn't get anything he would just say, "Well, I just took my rifle out for a walk.")

Needless to say, I need to work on getting us all out of the house more to places where we can all explore and pick up rocks.  Thankfully, the winter in Phoenix is a perfect time to be doing this.

Today he would have been 73...

I probably won't write something every birthday that rolls around.  But it's the first one.  It seems significant.  At this point last year we had no idea that Papa was sick.  He was in a little pain but we chalked it up to his recent back surgery that was taking longer to recover from than we thought it would.  Over this weekend last year we took the girls to a pumpkin patch north of our home a bit. My dad told   Its to go and have fun and that we would celebrate when we all got home.  I think he secretly wanted the house to himself for a couple of days because he knew that we would be spending the night up north, too.

This year I am missing him.  He used to want to ignore his birthday but I didn't.  I love birthdays.  I don't go all out but I like doing at least something.  This year we mark the day in our hearts, tears are shed, and we take another step forward.

Miss A and I went out to his grave last week to put some flowers. Fall, I think, was his favorite season.  Mostly because it then signified in his mind hunting season.  Because really, let's face it, that was his favorite season. HA!  Miss A helped me clear off his marker and while I cried she was quiet and as we left she just held my hand.  Then in her innocence she asked if she could pick some flowers.  I asked her where she wanted to pick flowers.  She pointed at all the other markers with flowers. It helped to lighten the mood.  Miss A and my dad had a special bond.  Little things that she still remembers that he would do for her at the breakfast table.  When my dad was in hospice she would climb up on his bed and cuddle with him.

Hotel Memories

Obviously things happen for a reason and in just the right season.  My husband has been assigned to work in California for some undetermined amount of time and we are fortunate enough to be here together as a family.  As my husband had been working out here prior to all of us joining him he found a hotel just across the street from his work site.  He told me later that he was pretty sure it was the place we had stayed with my dad when we all went to California in 2009.  Our minds stretched for that trip... we have had two more babies since then... enough said.  The mind and its memories blur.

However, as soon as we pulled off the highway onto our street the memories came flooding back.  There stood the Olive Garden that we had managed a meal with a nine-month-old Miss L.  She made a mess and I am sure she had a fit.  Maybe she had done okay.  I just remember the mess.  The hotel itself was hard to remember... that is until I stepped out back to see Matt and the two older girls swimming.  I had to steady myself and keep composure.  Memories flooded back.  We had taken Miss L swimming a couple of times in the pool here after botched attempts at the beach with a baby.  My dad never got in but he watched, took pictures, and wrapped Baby L up in a towel and kept her warm.  I could see the picture in my minds eye... and I found it... the picture above.

We came out here Labor Day weekend of 2009.  My dad had just moved from New Mexico to Arizona and was living with us for a time until he found his own place.  We persuaded him out come to California with us.  An adventure because California was never on his list of top places to vacation.  We had fun... and we learned a lot about travelling on Labor Day Weekend or just travelling with a little one in general.

It's hard to think that then we only had three more years left with him.  But they were good years.  I am thankful that the Lord brought us here at this time to let me remember these things.  And today I swam in that same pool with Miss L who can now basically swim on her own... and her two sisters.  I could almost see my dad standing in the same spot laughing and shaking his head at the antics of my girls.

Thank you, Jesus, for this time right now.

Not Missing Grandpa

This evening Husband and I were having a conversation at the dinner table and my papa came up in conversation.  Tears rolled down my face and I had to explain to the girls that I was not upset but the tears were because I missed Grandpa T.  More tears came and Miss A exclaims, "Your eyes are dripping!"  We all laughed.

I then asked Miss L if she missed Grandpa T and she said very simply, "No."  I told her that was okay.  But what she said next grabbed me...

"I can see his face.  And he called me on my hand phone yesterday.  But I was busy and couldn't answer it."

She doesn't miss him because in some way she has created her own connection back to him.

Later Miss A prayed on her own thanking Jesus that Grandpa T was with him and that he felt all better now.

I miss my dad very much.  The reality of what each day for the rest of this marks in relation to last year is painful.  Most days I am doing really well and other days the emotions hit me like a truck.  But I still want to remember these little things.

Bedtime Prayers

During bedtime prayers each girl takes a turn praying for whatever they feel led to pray for and it's also a time of thankfulness.  For the last several months Miss A has diligently given thanks for Grandpa T (my dad) -- many times that is all she would say.  Tonight was the first time that she didn't do that.  I knew it would come but I didn't think it would be as sad as it is.  She may pick it up again but she may not.  I know that Miss L is probably the only one who will remember him but who knows.  I hope that they will always know how much my dad loved them and what joy they all brought to him.

Miss A used to always crawl up into Grandpa T's lap even before he was sick.  She did it without prompting the few times that we took them to see him while he was in hospice.  She would talk about how she laid with Grandpa while he was sick.  Sweet girl.

Sunsets

It's been quiet around here, I know.  Most who follow this blog know that my life was turned upside down with the sudden cancer diagnosis of my dad in December and then his passing away on New Year's Eve.  Usually, writing is very theraputic for me.  While there have been times that I want to write part of me doesn't want to have to "deal."  However, last night I realized that there are things that are happening that I want to remember and cherish.  I have to just deal with the emotions that come and that's okay.  Plus, I remember how much my dad liked reading whatever I wrote.  Even if it was a recipe he never really cared to try. :)

So, this was my moment I wanted to cherish...

Miss L has always found sunsets to be simply amazing.  Beautiful. Fantastic. Wow.  In general, she is enthralled with them.  I have always been the same way.  I think I got it from my dad.  It was one of his favorite parts of the day.  The other would be sunrise in his hunting camp. (ha!)  I grew up in New Mexico which has some of the most beautiful sunsets.  Arizona does a pretty good job, too.  I cannot complain. I didn't realize the rush of life or lack of sunsets until one day (a long time ago) Miss L blurted out how beautiful it was with no prompting from anyone... ever.  I almost cried.  Granted, we are not usually out much in the evening for our little ones to see the sunset I was just in awe at her own observation of the beauty of God's creation.  I always ask her who made it... she knows the answer is God.  Smart girl.

Last night as we were leaving my in law's home the sunset was awesome.  That word is so overused but it was, indeed, awesome.  Miss L immediately let out her words of jubilation at the colors and light dancing in the sky.  It  WAS beautiful.  I thought of my dad and I told Miss L how much her Grandpa T loved sunsets. That made her smile.  It was good for my soul.  I want to remember this.

Of course, I didn't take a picture.  Of course.  However, I remember a long time ago giving up on trying to take pictures of sunsets because a picture never did it justice.  Maybe I will just have to take a photo next time anyway.