These Days are Marked

These days are marked for me.

They are marked with sweet joy of celebrating advent that leads to Christmas celebrations. Birthdays for two of my girls.  Decorations I love. Family Traditions. Family...

This year they are also marked with incredible Heartache. Loss. Memories.

Around this time last year we were celebrating my youngest's first year of life while facing the fact that my dad was finishing his last.

It all takes my breath away like it just happened.  The days... good and bad... play in my mind.  The pictures are blurred by tears that I cannot stop.

I miss my papa.  Every. Day.  Some days are extremely difficult.  Others are not so bad.  Most probably think that I am doing okay.  For the most part I am don't get me wrong.  On a lot of days I just want to sit and cry.  I have three little ones that distract me and need me to keep going.  My two older ones will randomly talk about him when I least expect it.  On some occasions it makes me laugh or smile and on others I fight back tears or they spill out.

Some people ask about him or how I am doing. Most do not. It's awkward for some. It's okay.  It's true...life is but a vapor and the grass remembers us no more.

It has been strange to not ponder over what gift to buy him this year as he seemed to have all that he wanted. Or he would tell me that what was on his list was far too expensive which generally meant that it was some firearm he wanted. HA!

My gift to him last year was a CD of hymns (he was listening to it when he passed.) In all the years I had with him I don't remember him being quite as grateful as he was for this one.  I can still see him mouthing the words "thank you." to me.  Maybe I'll pull it out sometime... maybe

Indeed, these days are marked.  Marked by hope that came as a little baby under the cover of night.  Hope that grew to be a man of stature and character that would pay the ultimate sacrifice of dying on a cross for my sins.  Hope that rose from the dead.  Hope that promises the resurrection of the body and life everlasting. That Hope is Jesus.  A Hope that Papa has...a Hope that I have.  In this I find great comfort...yes... and joy. Even in my tears.

Senior Saints

Worship on the Lord's Day tends to look a bit different when you have a baby.  To some that may sound weird when in most churches you just drop off the wee ones in a nursery and go.  Thankfully, I am attending a church that values family and children of all ages are in the sanctuary for worship.  What better way to teach the little ones about the people of God and His Kingdom (Matthew 19:13-15)?  I could go on there but that is not the point.  During this season I catch different glimpses of our worship service.  I grab tidbits of the sermon being piped into the "quiet" room, which should just be called the "Mother's Room" because there's usually nothing quiet about it.  However, what remains the same for me is being able to observe others in the worship service lifting their hearts, voices, and hands to our Lord. 

This last Sunday our eldest saint, Mrs. W (93), was used in a way to show me the sermon that I missed hearing.  I have had a few opportunities to sit with Mrs. W during the service.  I know that she doesn't know many of the songs that we sing but she knows some.  Our pianist makes sure to play old hymns that she does know during communion and the offering.  Many times I have glanced over to see Mrs. W mouthing the words with the melody.  It always captures my heart.  This last Sunday as we were singing our usual closing song, the Gloria Patri (which was arranged for us by a former member), I noticed Mrs. W singing this song with hands raised.  She's picked up the song over the months and sings it with us.  tears welled up in my eyes as I have thought about all of the years that she has served our Lord.

Husband was filling me in on some of the sermon as we were driving away from the church.  In a quick summary it was about persevering until the end.  I saw that hour plus sermon played out in less than two minutes by a woman who is a living example of what it means to persevere until the end. 

I appreciate the elder generations in our church.  Actually, I appreciate that we are becoming more multi-generational... that there is an appreciation for the new lives and a deep honoring of those who have walked the roads of faith much longer than me.

"Faith Persevering in Trial" or "I Waited for the Lord"

I waited patiently for the LORD;
         And He inclined to me,
         And heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
         Out of the miry clay,
         And set my feet upon a rock,
         And established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth—
         Praise to our God;
         Many will see it and fear,
         And will trust in the LORD. 
Blessed is that man who makes the LORD his trust,
         And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.
Many, O LORD my God, are Your wonderful works
         Which You have done;
         And Your thoughts toward us
         Cannot be recounted to You in order;
         If I would declare and speak of them,
         They are more than can be numbered.          
Sacrifice and offering You did not desire;
         My ears You have opened.
         Burnt offering and sin offering You did not require.
Then I said, “Behold, I come;
         In the scroll of the book it is written of me.
I delight to do Your will, O my God,
         And Your law is within my heart.” 
I have proclaimed the good news of righteousness
         In the great assembly;
         Indeed, I do not restrain my lips,
         O LORD, You Yourself know.

Psalm 40 1-9

This Psalm has brought great comfort as of late as we wait for the Lord to show us what He has for us in the coming months.  It's a wonderful place to be and to see the small (and the BIG) things that God is doing.  We will rejoice in them and praise Him for His works.  He is the God of all comfort.  We find peace in knowing these simple truths.  Simple, yet so complex for the human heart and mind to comprehend.  We are in a good place and these are exciting times.  So, while we wait, we will pray, love others, declare His righteousness, and seek to do our best in obedience to Him.

How Sweet and Awful Is the Place

How sweet and awful is the place
With Christ within the doors,
While everlasting love displays
The choicest of her stores!

While all our hearts and all our songs
Join to admire the feast,
Each of us cry, with thankful tongues,
"Lord, why was I a guest?

Why was I made to hear the voice,
And enter while there's room,
When thousands make the wretched choice,
And rather starve than come?"

'Twas the same love that spread the feast
That sweetly drew us in;
Else we had still refused to taste,
And perished in our sin.

Pity the nations, O our God!
Constrain the earth to come;
Send thy victorious Word abroad,
And bring the strangers home.

We long to see Thy churches full,
That all the chosen race
May with one voice and heart and soul,
Sing Thy redeeming grace.

- Isaac Watts, Hymns and Sacred Songs, 1707 (Old Irish hymn melody)

I remember the first time that I really sang this song and the power behind the words met my heart and the Spirit really moved to show me what a gift God has given me through being included in His covenant and His kingdom...His Church. We first sang this, or when I really remembered it, when Husband and I came back from Ireland. We had just been in a beautiful country where church and Christ are not highly looked upon. They, like the U.S., are removing religion from their schools. Churches are having to close their doors and sell their buildings, which are then being turned into offices or others things of that nature. For example, St. Andrew's in Dublin now houses the Office of Tourism rather than gathered worshippers. And the churches that are open are reduced to opening the doors to tourists and charging them a fee to come in so that they can stay afloat.

Lord, "We long to see Thy churches full..."

I cry every time we sing this song in church. Maybe it's in some part that it is an Irish melody, but mostly it's because it is filled to the brim with the richness of who God is and His love for His bride, the Church. It is quickly becoming one of my favorites because of its potency. I think it may be taken from the book of Acts, but I need to look into that more. It moves me with the vastness of my sin and the need for a Savior in a fallen world. It speaks of unity and the Gospel going forth... there's so much here in these six little verses!

You can hear a midi file version of the hymn here - it's pretty much how we sing it at church (minus their noted second verse). I found some other versions online that just kind of scared me. :) But, I guess each to their own musical interpretation and arrangement. I will take our traditional piano any time, thanks.
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Photo is of a small little chapel in Ireland, used only on holidays.