It's Christmas eve.
We returned home from a family service with Husband's parents, dinner, and looking at lights. Our hearts are light...but we are tired. We are thankful all is ready for the morning.
Except the stockings.
I quickly located them in a bag. I counted out seven big boot sacks. I mention quickly that I am glad I didn't find my dad's thinking it was in a bag in another room.
Then his fell out onto the chair. I notice it has some heft to it. I reach in my arm recognizes the small flags that veteran organizations brought to him in hospice. My hand seizes something metal and a wave of emotion and shock pulsate through my body. I look at Husband and exclaim, "His watch!" and the fount of tears comes forth. I cannot control it. My girls watch in wonder as I hold the watch tight and Husband holds me tighter. My oldest begins to cry, too. Later my middle one says, "I'm gunna give you some love, okay?" Sweet girls.
My dad was kind of obsessed with his watch. He pretty much went batty when he didn't have it. It was one of the first things he requested to have when he left the hospital. However, he only wore it for a time while in hospice because it became too big for him. However, it was always on his bedside or he would have it in his lap.
Oddly, the watch is still keeping time and the day is still correct. The date is off but I think that came from the months with only 30 days and my dad would have to change it to the first when it read 31.
While the discovery was quite emotional...it was quite providential. Healing. Welcome.
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
These Days are Marked
They are marked with sweet joy of celebrating advent that leads to Christmas celebrations. Birthdays for two of my girls. Decorations I love. Family Traditions. Family...
This year they are also marked with incredible Heartache. Loss. Memories.
Around this time last year we were celebrating my youngest's first year of life while facing the fact that my dad was finishing his last.
It all takes my breath away like it just happened. The days... good and bad... play in my mind. The pictures are blurred by tears that I cannot stop.
I miss my papa. Every. Day. Some days are extremely difficult. Others are not so bad. Most probably think that I am doing okay. For the most part I am don't get me wrong. On a lot of days I just want to sit and cry. I have three little ones that distract me and need me to keep going. My two older ones will randomly talk about him when I least expect it. On some occasions it makes me laugh or smile and on others I fight back tears or they spill out.
Some people ask about him or how I am doing. Most do not. It's awkward for some. It's okay. It's true...life is but a vapor and the grass remembers us no more.
It has been strange to not ponder over what gift to buy him this year as he seemed to have all that he wanted. Or he would tell me that what was on his list was far too expensive which generally meant that it was some firearm he wanted. HA!
My gift to him last year was a CD of hymns (he was listening to it when he passed.) In all the years I had with him I don't remember him being quite as grateful as he was for this one. I can still see him mouthing the words "thank you." to me. Maybe I'll pull it out sometime... maybe
Indeed, these days are marked. Marked by hope that came as a little baby under the cover of night. Hope that grew to be a man of stature and character that would pay the ultimate sacrifice of dying on a cross for my sins. Hope that rose from the dead. Hope that promises the resurrection of the body and life everlasting. That Hope is Jesus. A Hope that Papa has...a Hope that I have. In this I find great comfort...yes... and joy. Even in my tears.
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