Creating Space

School. Packing suitcases. Unpacking boxes. Meeting vendors to fix this or install that. Get this done so that can be finished. Run here. Run there.  Oh, do you really need lunch? Right now? Hurry, hurry.

Now, hear me when I say I am SO very thankful for these things to do. I am. They are good things, productive things, helpful things. But during this time of rush I am so very thankful for the timely reminder to stop. Reflect. Pray. Give thanks.

We didn't go to an Ash Wednesday service this year and that's okay. Nothing says that we have to have or attend these services. On the flip side nothing says that we can't. I find it a lovely addition to life in the rhythm of the church calendar. A reminder that God is in the business of death and resurrection.

I digress...

In the crazy of moving our Lenten wreath made its appearance on the kitchen counter. Creating space for it took work but it was intentional. It made me think of creating space in life and my heart to be filled by Jesus. He poured out His life for His people. Be filled. It was good to have this reminder. My girls squealed when I brought it out, "Easter is coming!" I didn't prompt them. I said nothing. It was good to have this reminder.

So, we pray. We talk. We read. We reflect on the ministry of Jesus. We give thanks.

We anticipate.

Reflections | 2015

Goodness.  Two posts in all of 2015.  All the same I still like to do my reflections post even if just for myself to look back on.  I always think that I will get back to blogging...but I don't.  While the desire is there I don't want to put so much pressure on myself.  I have other things that are far more important to put my full effort into.  There are some other things that I may post later that will have a 2015 date...things I want to remember.

If I had one word for 2015 it would be...CRAZY.  The things that happened this year were not things that I would have ever anticipated happening.  Maybe the better word would be TRUST.  Maybe both?  You tell me at the end of this post, okay? HA!

2015...

      ...started on a normal enough note as we had playdates and fun times with our friends, the Kellers, who are missionaries in Africa home on furlough.

     ...was just a mere two weeks into existence when our sweet neighbor, Janeen, passed away quite unexpectedly upon returning home from a successful heart surgery. Our little cul-de-sac was in shock. We rallied around her friends and family to help with the mourning process.  More on that later.

     ...was the year Husband and I went to see Jim Gaffigan in person at a venue in Scottsdale.  I laughed until I cried.  No really. So funny. Hot Pockets. (If  you know him, you laughed)

    ...marked another year of getting to know our neighbors even more.  Janeen (mentioned above) always had a HUGE St. Patrick's day gathering at her home.  It truly was her favorite holiday.  So, along with a couple of other neighbors, we organized a HUGE party in our cul-de-sac to honor Janeen's memory.  About 250 people (some even from across the country!) showed up to raise a parting glass, release some balloons, and remember their friend.  We had fun and we were so blessed that we could enter into people's lives during their grief.

     ...was a year that reminded me how fast things change.  Four days after the above party and two days after my birthday I experienced the craziest things ever.  I couldn't speak.  No words would come.  Husband called 911.  The fire department came.  I went to the hospital (not in an ambulance) and it was finally determined that I had a mini stroke.  More on that later.

     ...had it's share of fun times as almost all of the Illinois contingent of Husband's family was in town to visit.  Little cousins having fun was probably the best part of it all.

     ...was a year I could cross off one of my big goals.  I completed a 5k!  I didn't run the whole thing and it was actually a little more than a 5K (3 miles) as it was the Pat's Run in Tempe, AZ that is 4.2 miles.  I finished in about an hour.  Husband finished well before me in about 30 minutes! (And yes, this was AFTER my mini-stroke)

     ...was the year that my girls discovered they like to hike.  We hiked some in Seattle in 2014 and they loved it.  So we took them to Sedona and what we thought was going to be a one mile trek turned into three and it was...AWESOME.  No complaining and they just kept going.  They were worn out after and promptly fell asleep in the car but they loved it.

     ...was the year that I watched friends who had longed for children have babies placed in their arms and had the most remarkable stories to tell.  They were truly labors of love and my heart is bigger for being blessed to know them.

     ...was the year that I learned to make jam.

     ...was the year that the girls and I experienced our first vacation bible study (VBS) at our church.  I never went as a kid but I got to be a tribe leader this summer.  Miss L and Miss A were in different tribes while Miss S was in the nursery tribe.  All had a blast and I am so glad that I bought the music for the week because even now they STILL love to sing along.

     ...revealed that I had a hole in my heart.  Yep, that's what the culprit was in my mini-stroke experience.  I had heart surgery to close it up and spent the rest of the year on a medication that caused some crazy bruising on my body.  At the end of the year I had a final test done and IT CLOSED.  The device sat nicely on the heart wall and all was good.  My cardiologist said I could promptly forget that I ever knew him.  Uhhh... yeah, that will be hard to do. HA!

     ...meant we started yet another year of home schooling the girls.  Miss L started 2nd grade and Miss A started kindergarten.  Miss S working on playing and being goofy and sometimes get a game on the iPad. While we have hard days there is nothing that I would rather be doing than teaching my girls.

     ...was the year Husband accepted a new job in Texas.  So we moved the same week that two of our girls had birthdays.  It was crazy. It was difficult. It was fun.  We went on the adventure that came to us and we have seen God's hand over the whole process.  We are so thankful for His provision, protection, and His peace.

     ...was the year our girls became road trip pros. We were thankful for the invention of portable DVD players. The break was sometimes needed for all.

     ...was the year that Husband and I lost 40 pounds...each.  I will say that I have put some back on since our move.  I'll work hard to correct that in due time as I had an extra 20 I wanted to lose anyway. Here's to knowing that it can be done!  It was so worth it!

     ...ended a bit like the beginning. On December 30, we got news that Husband's grandfather (lovingly called Grandpa Great by our girls) had passed the night before (December 29) at the age of 96.  He left behind his sweet wife of 74 and a half years.  The only person he loved longer than her was Jesus. We are thankful for his devotion and love for our Savior.  We will miss him and the joy he brought to so many.

Well, there you have it.  Reflection on the 2015.  Unfortunately, we start 2016 with a funeral but we also have many other adventures that lay ahead and we are ready to see what the Lord has for us.

Blessings to you and yours this new year!

The Brain is a Curious Thing or The Morning We Called 911

Wednesday morning started like any other morning. Or so I thought.  About 10 minutes after getting out of bed my vision became blurry, I was dizzy, and as I tried to say any words they wouldn't come. My husband was in the shower and I had to communicate my distress to him so I tried the best I could to say something and my failed attempts at communicating anything of significance alarmed my husband. I layed back in bed and Husband called 911.  The thoughts of a possible stroke ran though both of our minds. I kept trying to tell Husband about the alarm in the house but I could only call it the "thing" and he had to turn it off.  The things we think of in crisis, right?

The paramedics came bounding in rather quickly and started asking me questions.  I started crying because I knew the answers to their questions but could not actually say the words to answer them. For example, they asked if I knew where I was.  I did.  I knew that I was in my house but I could NOT say the word house.  However, I COULD say the numbers in my address.  Go figure.  My language started to come back to me after awhile as the paramedics checked to see if I was currently having a stroke or heart attack.  I passed their tests but they gave me the option of either taking a ride in an ambulance to the ER or get in to my primary as soon as possible.  I opted for the later.

My children were not scared during this time but found it fascinating that the fire department was in our house.  The girls informed them that our neighbor was a firefighter which one of the men tending to me actually knew.  They took the girls out into the truck let them climb around and let the siren go once.  If our neighbors were hoping to enjoy sleeping in over Spring Break that was the morning it was NOT going to happen.  HA!

I was able to get in to see a nurse practitioner at Mayo Clinic (where my primary doctor is) and given orders for a complete blood work panel and an MRI of my head and neck that was completed on Thursday evening.  This morning (Friday) I was called and told that everything came back clear but they are going to send my MRI and reports over to the neurology department for a consult.

So, what does all this mean?  Well, we know that I didn't have a stroke.  I could have had a TIA (read about that here) or a possible seizure.  Yes, you can have a seizure and be fully conscious. Now we wait to hear more from the doctors and hope that the symptoms do not occur again.  I am so thankful for my husband who did not hesitate because all of my physical symptoms were that of a stroke, while rare in thirty-six year olds, are not unheard of.  I was pretty worn out after everything and I had a pretty normal day today but still tired.  It's hard to fully know if small things I experience are connected to my episode or not.  I am trying to be "normal" but also observant of what is happening with my body.

Reflections | 2014

     While many were glad to be rid of 2014 I found myself thankful for a year of healing and moving forward and basically peace.  Now, all those words have different meanings to different people.  But I would say those words for this last year.  I was thankful for an ordinary year.  Let's me be perfectly clear there were bumps, and shoves, and things that I wished we didn't have to deal with.  However, they weren't significantly life changing and in comparison to things that happened in recent past they were relatively small.  In comparison to things that many of our friends and family have endured they were merely blips on the radar.  Ordinary.  I am SO thankful for ordinary...not dull or boring...but ordinary.

2014...

...was the year we got to know our neighbors.  After about five years in this house we finally know the people that live around us.  Not just, "Hey, good to see you" know them but enough that some of them are letting us really enter into their lives with them.  We have walked through divorce, death of a parent, cancer, and more.  One has even come to a new faith in Jesus and we are hoping to be a further encouragement to them.  It's been a good year in this regard especially in a time when many just drive in their garages, close the door, and never know the people that live next door.

...was the year that we changed churches not once, but twice.  One we left on good terms and the other closed its doors.  We are not church hoppers and this situation completely drives us all bananas. We have landed in a place that seems to be a good fit for us now, while not perfect (no church is), we can be happy and bloom where we are planted.  This situation would be what I would consider a "shove" that I would prefer not to deal with.  But we must press on.

...Miss L started 1st grade and learned to read.  She made tremendous strides in her reading during our Christmas break.  More on that in another post.

...We went on vacation to Seattle for the first time since I was pregnant with Miss L.  We had such a good time there as a family.  Miss L is convinced that we should move there.  So much so that she prays for it every. night.

...was the year that we plugged in with other homeschooling families with children in the same age range as our children.  It has been fun to adventure out and learn together about variety of things. New friends with different backgrounds.  Um, no... I am not worried about socialization.  My kids will start up a conversation with just about anyone.

...was the year that we saw the end of the diaper stage in our home.  Miss S potty trained (quickly) in June and we have never looked back.  It's a new freedom and a little sad sometimes, too.  Although the toilet paper consumption has gone up exponentially, it's still cheaper than diapers.

...was the first year that I intentionally read the bible from cover to cover.  I'm sad that it was not anything that I ever did while I was in full time ministry. Sure, I studied most of the bible but I am not confident that I had read the WHOLE of the bible.  It will become a yearly endeavor from here on out.  Such a fruitful thing to do.

See? A pretty ordinary year... love it.

Jesus on the cross..

On Wednesday, I started to read Miss L her Bible lesson for the day.  The title was something like, "The Sun Goes Dark."  Basically, it was the set up for Jesus going to Calvary, his crucifixion, and death.

She says, "Oh, I love this part!" in almost a giddy fashion.

A little disturbed by her excitement I ask, "Why do you like this part?  He is in so much pain and he dies."

"Oh, I know.  But it's the part where He takes our sins away!  That's the best part!"

Perspective.

I learn a lot from my children.

Cherished Conversations | Kindness from Wisdom

Today, when compared to other days, was an odd day for us.

We woke up much earlier than normal and took Daddy to the airport.  Saying good-bye is always hard but for Miss L it is the most difficult.  She's sensitive and she is so very attached to her daddy.  It's hard when he is gone even just for a few days.  It takes her awhile to recover.

We eat breakfast later than normal on these early morning adventures to the airport because we come back to a bagel shop near our house which is a treat for the girls and a good distraction.

As we were talking, laughing, and eating an older gentleman entered the door behind us.  I noticed Miss S wave to someone as did Miss A.  The gentleman came over and and said, "It's so nice when young ones want to engage with people rather than hide behind mama."  Let me clarify, my girls have those "hide behind mama" moments often but today they were feeling especially social.  He talked to each one of the girls and even listened to Miss S as she babbled a few coherent words and then a whole bunch of nonsense even though it was quite apparent it all made perfect sense to her.

Next, Miss L dove in and told him all about school and how she is finishing kindergarten and looking forward to first grade.  He made some comment to her that didn't quite apply to our homeschool environment (I don't remember what it was) and Miss L just said, "Oh, I'm homeschooled."  Without missing a beat or looking shocked he said, "Well, you'll probably get a better education that way!" and continued to talk to the girls about school and a whole host of other things.

I was floored.  I was NOT expecting that response at all.  BUT I was thankful for it.  People generally look at me like I have horns growing out of my head when I tell them we homeschool.  Others have a few curious questions and move on.  Few have ever had this kind of response unless they homeschool as well.

He was a kind man.  His kindness had an impact not only on my children but also on me.  I'm not trying to put down public schools but trying to remember the kindness of people that the Lord places in my path because it is easy to focus on the harsh words from people... I want to remember the kind words, too.

So, thank you, dear gentleman... you made this mama's hard morning a little easier.

Reading Begets Reading

I have been consuming books like literary food since late last year.  I have already read seven books this year and just started my eighth this morning while on hold with a company.

In the midst of rebooting my love for reading I realized that I had been lacking, and had been for years (even while in full time ministry), consistency in reading a book that I claimed had such influence in my life... the Bible.  Oh, that is so hard to write.  So humbling and so true.

Sure, I have been in churches where we were reading the Bible together and we all had plans.  Honestly, I never made it.  This was after several attempts over the years at several churches just to clarify for those readers who are familiar with my church going history. :)

On October 21, 2013 (there is no significance in the date) I looked around on the Bible app I have on my phone, YouVersion.  There were all sorts of plans and I took some time to read through the descriptions.  I was looking for one that would help me succeed in the endeavor and one that was not too overwhelming. I found one. You know what?  It's great.  It's working!  I have a reminder on my phone that goes off during naptime (it's quiet) just in case I haven't managed to read it yet.  Honestly, nap time is the best time for me.  The kids are resting and I can relax and take in what the Lord has for me on that particular day.

I found that reading more has helped in my reading what is most important.  So, as I read in parenting books that "sleep begets sleep" with babies...I find that reading begets reading, too.

I actually have a challenge to finish my plan early so that I can join my husband in his Bible readings so we can be reading the same thing on the same days.  I know, I should just start over and it does makes sense.  Luckily, I have a husband who also understands that I want to finish the goal of reading through.  So, we'll see if I can finish early??

Reflections | 2013

I have been meaning to reflect on 2013 for the past 29 days.  It seems the thing to do in the world of blogs. 2013 was quite a strange year -- I should have also reflected on 2012 last year but was in such shock in the last month of 2012 and the first few months of 2013 that it wasn't going to happen.  But I can look back on things now with different eyes.

2013...

...was the year I had to learn to walk through life without my dad.  For 34 years he was my greatest fan.  For many of those years he was my sole companion and best friend.  2013 rang in just as I came home from his hospice center where the funeral home had just picked up his body.  Fireworks were going off all around me.  It was a brutal reminder that life was moving on without him.  Time did not stop.  The world was not in shock or weeping with me.  I didn't expect of all that to happen.  Oh, but I really wanted that to happen.

...was the year that I learned to plan a funeral.  And that you can fire the people you are working with.

...was the year that I saw my husband live out an aspect of our vows (for better or for worse) in a very tangible way.  I never doubted that he would but this is where I saw love pour forth from a man who already shows me an abundance of love that I do not deserve.  I had no idea what I was doing nor did I really want to do anything.  He waded through bureaucratic red tape and whatnot.  You know, all the stuff that comes from a parent who had three government pensions and an outdated will.  Sigh.  He is my knight in shining armor.  He tackled it all without flinching or even being asked.  He just did it knowing I was struggling to even get up and feed our family.

...was the year that we sold not one but two houses.  My dad's house which took five days to sell and our rental house which took...much, much longer.

...was the year that we started our homeschooling journey.  Miss L started kindergarten.  It has been an amazing journey and just like I loved being there for her baby milestones I love that I get to be a part of these milestones as well.  Sure there are days that I want to pull my hair out.  But more often than not we have a good time.

...was the year that I started running.  I wanted to lose the baby weight that has accumulated.  Instead I broke my leg and was diagnosed with osteopenia.

...was the year that we lived in a hotel in San Diego from mid-September until the end of January 2014.  It has been an adventure for sure.

...was the year that we took our girls to Disneyland for the first time.  It was amazing!  One of my favorite memories for sure.  It was in part thanks to bad weather and our cousins Lindsay and Emily, too.

...was the year that I had actual physical health issues once we entered the one year time period since my dad got sick.  Breathing issues that warranted a trip to the ER among other things.  They started just after Thanksgiving which was when my dad was first admitted into the hospital  Oddly enough, all subsided after the new year passed.

...was the year that I learned that I still love to read.  It's a beautiful thing and I am sad that I lost so much time with so many good books.  I am also thankful that I am surrounded by such well read people.  From the end of August until the end of the year I read 23 books of varying genres, topics, and of course length.

The year had highs and lows... as do all years.  Some things this past year were more significant than others. We had our normal vacations and fun.  My family always makes me laugh and we love being together.  At the end of the year, whether it was particularly hard or we seem to breeze through in our ordinary lives, I know that I am extraordinarily blessed.

Knock, Knock....Housekeeping!

Once upon a time, a long long time ago... okay, okay... the summer of 1999 (yikes! 14 years ago!) I worked in our nation's first national park, Yellowstone.  It was nothing as exciting as being a park ranger but rather I was there to clean rooms at Old Faithful Inn as part of a summer project with Campus Crusade for Christ (now Cru.)  It was a summer that impacted my life in various ways and apparently is still bearing fruit in other areas still today.

You see, one becomes very familiar with the details and rigors of housekeeping when work is done in one of the busiest hotels in the nation over the summer months.  While I was not the fastest room cleaner in the est I found an appreciation for those who do it day in and day out for years on end.  Not just for the summer, you see.  The solitary work about drove me mad and so management had mercy on me and when they could they moved me into a position of picking up buffalo poop grounds keeping and cleaning public spaces.  I was thankful to be around more people and I LOVED that job.  No, really.

Today I find myself nearing the end of a two month stay at a hotel.  I am always reminded that it is well worth knowing the names of the people around you.  Especially in the service arena.  I'm pretty sure I know everyone who works here from management, to housekeeping, to food service.  They work hard.

However, I will say that our relationships with those in housekeeping are by far the most significant.  We see them just about everyday.  My kids run down the halls in little-girl-screeching-delight when they see Mrs I and Mrs E, the women who run the housekeeping department.  The day that I told Mrs. I  that I had worked in housekeeping for a time she was surprised and asked all sorts of questions.  We talked about the hard work of it all and the difference in how things work here versus what I experienced.  It seemed like that sealed our relationship.  Well, that and the fact that my girls easily endear themselves to almost anyone. HA!  We have had conversations about family, life, church, and other things. We have made great friends here and while we are excited to go home we are sad to leave the people that we have met here.

My girls have this notion that the housekeeping crew will just come home with us.  Yes, I wish.  HA!  We'll take food service with us as well.  My girls even pretend clean after housekeeping leaves and when we come back to the room they do the famous "knock, knock! Housekeeping!" at the the door and then burst into quiet giggles.  If anything it has been a social education for my girls and I think they are doing fabulously.

Fourteen years ago I wondered how on earth my being a housekeeper would have any sort of impact or be of any sort of significance.  I merely thought it was a vehicle to do ministry at that time.  Nope, apparently there would be another reason that would not be fully realized until 14 years later.  I wonder what that summer still has in store for me?

Here and There

Obviously I haven't been on this blog in quite some time.  It's not that I haven't thought about things to write. I even dabbled with another blog for a time.  I deleted it today.  I just want my musings in one place.  I had to evaluate why I was blogging, the self-inflicted pressures, etc.

I had fanciful ideas of being one of those blogs that lots of people follow.  That's not really me.  I like to write things down because it's fun.  And then there are times it's not so fun.  I'm okay with that.  Or you know, life is more interesting than blogging.  Or, life is so crazy there is no time for blogging.

I'm okay with that, too.  Finally.

However, I am glad I came back to this space.  I was reminded about some fun things I have done, experienced, and that I wanted to work on.  So, I will look to some of those goals to finish.

There's no obligation... just fun.

Meal Ministry

If you have never needed the blessings of a ministry through meals I say two things... a) blessings to you and b) boy, are you missing out!

However, I will have to say accepting meals from people can be a very difficult thing.  I remember while I was still single and living on my own I had been pretty sick.  A friend that lived two apartments down for me offered to make a meal for me.  In my pride, I thanked her but turned her down knowing full well that I would probably have to go pick something up somewhere because I was not up to cooking for myself.  I met with my mentor very briefly that afternoon and she basically told me that I needed to let people be generous and let them serve.  She challenged me to go back to this friend and accept the meal.  Talk about a killing of pride.  It was a good lesson.  I was blessed by my friend being so gracious and generous.  Plus, I ate a really good meal!

Fast forward to 2008 when Miss L arrived early in December of that year.  Our church at the time blessed us with an abundance of meals even though we lived almost an hour away from where most people lived.  They got creative and it was a blessing for sure.  When Miss A arrived in 2010 we were in a bit of transition but sweet friends put together meals and we were well taken care of during that time.  When Miss S arrived our church really stepped it up a notch with the meals because we were running back and forth to the hospital with her in the NICU.  And even just this week with Miss S in the hospital I find my fridge full of food because of the abundant generosity of the people around us.

However, it is a dying to self to ask for help... to ask for meals... to ask for help cleaning your home...to ask.    Why is it so hard for us to ask?  A former pastor once told me to not ask for help is denying someone the opportunity to learn how to serve others. (He said it much more elegantly)  It was a profound thought.  We don't know how to serve the body of Christ (or others) because people are too prideful to ask or they think that people are not able or will not help.  The fact is that people are willing to help.  Cheerfully!  More than one could probably ever imagine at that.

All of this came flooding back when Pastor H was visiting us in the hospital and asked if the church family could do anything else for us.  I was tempted to just suck it up and figure it out.  But there was an offer of help and this was the area I needed the most help (because grandparents were taking care of kids during the day) all I had to do was...ask...

So, I did.  Boy, were we blessed!

Needless to say, I won't be posting a meal plan this week because we have so much food left over and I still have a couple of from last week that will carry over to this week.

I encourage you to ASK for help when you need it.  When a baby comes... when a loved one passes... surgery...people are willing wanting to help.  While we as a body also need to be on the look out for areas to help people we also need to die to self and kill our pride and ask for help, too.

RSV Happens

We drive by Phoenix Children's Hospital on a fairly regular basis.  We often comment that while we are glad that their care and expertise are available we hope that we never have to call on them for help.  Well, we did need their help this last weekend.  For those that keep up with us via this blog Miss S was hospitalized on Sunday with RSV and just came home yesterday.  Hence the absence from blogging at all over the last few days.  It's been a crazy time of back and forth to the hospital while grandparents in super hero fashion stepped up to watch Miss L and Miss A.  They made such sweet sacrifices of themselves to help us out in so many ways.  Our local church family is also blessing us with meals for a few days so we can get back on our feet.  Or should we have to go back to the hospital we are taken care of in the meals department.  So very thankful and humbled by the generosity of so many people.

The nurses and staff at PCH were phenomenal and we couldn't have asked for better care for our little girl.  We are also thankful for going in sooner rather than later because she could have been a lot worse had they not been able to do all the things that they did to support her tiny frame during this time.

RSV is kind of a random thing it seems.  It's basically a cold that older children and adults can handle quite well.  Babies have a hard time with it because their airways are so incredibly small that the slightest irritation, swelling, or whatever make it a very big and scary deal.  There are also a couple of different presentations of the virus that can make it hard to know whether you should go see a doctor or wait it out.  We learned a lot during this time.

We are thankful to be at home and on the healing side of things.

2012 Homemaking/Crafting Plan

I was reading a post over at The Modest Mom where she shared 12 things (I believe from her Pinterest boards) that she wanted to work on this year.  Some simple some not so simple.  Brilliant, right!?  Surely, I can do one thing a month.  I shared this with Husband and his response was not to over do it.  He knows me and he's right.  So, I am trying to keep them fairly simple and I am stating from the get go that if that month's "craft" doesn't get done... well... then... it doesn't get done.  I am just not going to get upset because I cannot foresee all that will happen this year, etc.  Plus, we have a new baby in the house and that always adds some random dimension to the mix of things.

So, here's what I am thinking I'll work on -- many are from my Pinterest boards but a few are not! :)

January

I have tried making my own foaming hand soap with a natural soap.  The foaming part does well we just don't like the soap.  So, I am going to give this one a try and the final verdict will be up to Husband.  If it doesn't go over well then I am just going to go back to buying soap.  I may give one brand another try but he's not been so impressed with my concoction as of late.  Oh well... neither have I.

February

I have two doilies that belong to my grandmother (possibly my great-grandmother) that I have moved around and shoved in closets here and there.  They are lovely but not my style to put out on a dresser or on the piano.  However, when I saw this I fell in love.  I thought I had more than just the two doilies but I think I know where I will put the two that I know that I do have.  I am pretty excited about this project. I just need to gather the supplies.

March

It seems like I am always on the look out for some fun words to put up here or there.  I like how these use a fabric.  So, I think I may put something up like this in my laundry room.  Although, someone mentioned putting the word rest in a bed room or the girl's names up.  I have some time to ponder exactly what I would like to do.  However, if you have some fabric suggestions I will gladly take them.  I am pretty much a disaster when it comes to fabric selection.

April

Pizza Dough.  So simple yet drives me insane.  Okay, really I am just too lazy to make my own generally.  However, I tried to go on the cheap one time and purchased a mix and the results were no bueno.  So, my bread machine has a recipe and we'll just go that route.  I like my bread machine because while I live in one of the hottest cities in the nation my house generally has cool spots and I generally don't get things to rise very well.  I am sure one of you has a solution for that so comment away.  My solution right now is my bread machine and I don't have to think about it much.  HA!

May

We got a spiffy new camera and I want to make the most of it!  (No, the above is not our camera - different brand and well, I just don't want to disclose what it is here... if you want to know... ask.)  :)  I would like to find a few websites to read for beginners to learn the basics as well as watch the other video that came with our camera.  Just learn more about it.  So, photography friends (ahem... I know you are out there...Heather) if you have suggestions on what to read, let me know!

June, July, August, September

So, maybe I am cheating by lumping these months together.  Hear me out here.  There are several projects here that I would like to work on for Christmas gifts.  However, I think some of these things may end up in the hands of some of my readers and I don't want them to know exactly what I am working on.  It will at least keep them guessing.  Maybe when we get here I can give you a sneak peak of things I am working on.  We will see.

October

I need to get the ornaments printed and colored or just get them printed at some place and then laminate them.  I want this up and ready to go well before the Advent season and this gives me plenty of time before things get crazy with Thanksgiving, etc.

November

Wouldn't you know that I just deleted the picture of a crochet project in progress that I wanted for this month's project.  Oh well.  I started a blanket for Husband oh-say about three years ago.  Yeah.  It's still not finished.  I think that it is lacking a few more rows and some edging.  I think the edging freaks me out the most.  Husband laughed when I told him it may actually be finished this year.  I hope to prove him wrong.  HA HA!! 

December

Well, I know that Pinterest was full of holiday goodies.  A few caught my eye.  However, when I went back and looked through more this one had drool factor for me.  Cappuccino Shortbread.  Yum, right?  I have had several recipes catch my eye that require instant espresso powder and I can never find it.  So, this gives me time to find it.  I have some ideas and have looked around online.  I should be able to nail it down.

Miss L's 3rd Birthday

I had grand plans for the weekend of Miss L's birthday.  On Saturday, we were going to the mall to see one of her friends from church play some Christmas music in the with her dad. Then that evening we would head to the train park and let her ride the train through the light display.  Sunday, we would go to church and have a light lunch with family.  Then after naps we would do Miss L's favorite meal of chicken nuggets, mac & cheese, and broccoli salad (she like the dried cranberries).  The evening of celebration would be concluded with cake and presents.

Yeah.  None of that happened.  And the few things that did happen were not how we originally thought they would go.  HA!

Obviously, I had a baby that weekend instead.

Plan B.

Unfortunately, no one made it to church.  The whole family had a light lunch and cake.  More than ever I was glad that we ordered a cake rather than me trying to make one.  Miss L was delighted with Angelina Ballerina.  Thankfully, Miss L cannot read right now or she would have noticed that her name was misspelled on the side of the cake.  Two L's instead of one.  Oh well.  It still was yummy!  Then after all the excitement the girls took naps.

After naps everyone came down to the hospital.  This is when the Miss L and Miss A got their first glimpse of Miss S.  Then we headed down to my hospital room to really party it up and open Miss L's presents.  It was a fun time.  The nurses got a kick out of my little caravan.  Miss L told them about her sister and that it was her birthday.  It was pretty cute.  Miss L thought my bed was pretty fun and quickly discovered that the back of my bed produced presents.  Once we were done opening them she kept looking back there to see if more had magically appeared.

After all was said an done it was getting close to dinner time.  Honestly is was hard to see everyone leave that evening.  My oldest was turning three and my youngest had just entered the world.  It was a little surreal.  I think my heart was just ready for us all to be together under one roof.

I think it's a birthday party that I will definitely remember.

Things You Don't Say In the NICU

This is not a "in general" kind of post.  Well.  Maybe it sort of is for some in  general purposes.

Let me preface.

The NICU that we were in was fabulous.  This NICU is unlike some others in that each baby has their own room (I could have slept there had I wanted) so I only interacted with the nurses and the doctors that stopped by to care for Miss S.  Loved the doctors and most of the nurses.  I really don't like that I didn't love all the nurses -- I think it has something to do with the fact that many of my friends are nurses in all sorts of healthcare capacities.  Some just rubbed me the wrong way and I was generally pretty happy when their time with us was over.  I didn't like having that feeling but that is raw and honest.

So, here are two things you don't say in the NICU...to a new mama.  Just don't do it.

Many that have walked the road of motherhood with me know that I have had a difficult time nursing.  I am committed to breastfeeding my babies as long as I can without losing my sanity.  It's a hard road to hoe for me but I made it to six months with Miss L and Miss A.  I had already been pumping in the hospital and trekking down to the NICU with my, literally, drop or two of nourishment.  I was discouraged.  If I produced next to nothing I didn't bring it down (another nurse would be encouraging and say bring even the drops!) and felt like this was useless and I was facing another major obstacle.

Not knowing the battle I was fighting, or that I had fought this battle twice before, curtly informed me that consistency was the key to making milk.  For most, it's no big deal.  I think she made it because of the lack of breast milk that I was bringing down.  However, she didn't know that I was in my room every couple of hours doing exactly what the lactation consultants told me to be doing.  Only going a little longer between times at night so I could get some sleep.  Husband knew this struck a very hurtful cord with me and he tried to help me keep it under control.  My postpartum hormones got the best of me.

I cried.

Hard.

If this had been my first baby and knew nothing of breastfeeding that would have been one thing.  However, this was number three... I get it.

On the upside, she apologized and was a little more sensitive to my emotional state.  She was our day nurse again the second day.  I was not thrilled.  However, day two was MUCH better than day one.

End Scene One.


Begin Scene Two.


A conversation with a night nurse started out well enough.  She started asking questions and the question that I got often, "Do you have other children?"

"Yes, two girls"

"Really?  What are their ages?"

I smile because I know what the reaction will probably be, "My oldest turns three this weekend and my second is almost 16 months."

"Really?  Wow, that's really close.  You must be busy!"

I tired to be on top of it enough that I see it as my cup runneth over!  Hands full of blessings!  However, this nurse said, "I have a 5 year-old and a 10-month-old at home.  I still think it's hard with the spread but I am glad that I can give each one the attention they deserve."

Awesome.  Thanks.

Basically, you just told me that I am not giving each child the attention she deserves.  Not exactly what I need to hear as I am thinking through how to balance time at home once I am discharged and time here with Miss S.

I responded in kindness with the positive sides of them being so close.  It was probably lost on her but that's okay.  I love how the Lord ordained each little life for us.  Busy?  Yes.  Trade it? No.

The Birth of Miss S - Part 2

You can read part one here.

We had already called Mom C to pack a bag and come over to the house.  I was in so much pain at this point I was ready for drugs and I made that known (nicely) to Husband.  However, I said, "We need to go NOW."  I was pretty sure this baby was going to be born in the car.  Mom C had yet to arrive.  I told Husband I didn't care we need to go.  He calmly said we couldn't just leave the girls even though they were fast asleep.  So, we waited in the van (I in the "trunk" area) until she was close by.  We passed by her on the way out and we were off.  My contractions seemed to slow down just a little but were still rather intense.  It was during this time that I wished our hospital wasn't quite so far away (20 minutes at regular speed...ahem)  Later I would be ever so glad that we were at this particular hospital.

When we arrived at the hospital around 11:10 PM the registration desk looked so far away.  No wheel chairs were close by and even if there had been one to use it may have been to painful to sit for very long.  To say that they processed me into triage quickly would be an understatement.  My one "Are you kidding me?" moment was when I walked back there they wanted to weigh me.  For real?  Of course I had a contraction while on the scale.  Anyway.  I get to my little bed, they check me... 7 cm and fully effaced.  I hear the nurse bark some commands about a room NOW and she didn't care where it was.  During this time I am telling them I want drugs.  They can't do anything for me yet because I hadn't had an IV.  Less than five minutes later I find myself in a L & D room with people zooming all around.  The resident checks me.  10 cm and fully effaced.  WHAT?!?!  I still want drugs people.  "Nope." They inform me, "You are having this baby naturally."  I laugh.

I push.

I cry yell.

I am NOT having this baby naturally.  I can barely control this pain unlike anything I ever felt.  My contractions slowed down a bit.  I think it was because there was a whole crew of people from the NICU in there because she was coming before 37 weeks.  Finally, my doctor says she's going to check something and it's going to hurt.  Um.  Yeah. Understatement.  I'm pretty sure I almost kicked her at that point.  I wasn't fully dilated after all.  When they checked me the second time Miss S was pushing down so hard that my water bag was bulging.  After they broke it something happened and a forebag was created hiding the last bit of cervix that needed to disappear.  That actually bought me some time to have an epidural.  YEAH!

It was just enough to take the edge off.  I still feel the contractions (there would be no sleeping through labor like I did with Miss A) and I knew she would be making her grand appearance soon.  They told me to let them know if I felt like pushing or the pressure increased.  It wasn't long after the epidural was in that I told them that things were changing.  They said the doctor was called to emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy and would come as soon as she was done.  They moved me into a more upright position to help get Miss S into position.  So, while I wait for the doctor each time I feel contractions... I push (not very hard.)  The doctor came back about 2 hours after I got my epidural and said lets see how you are doing.  They check and we are a 100% go this time around.  I steady myself for a possible hour of pushing (which is what I did with Miss A) -- to my great surprise 5 pushes and out she came!  It was now 2:31 AM, December 10 -- 6 1/2 hours -- about half the length of my last labor.  Once again they could not put my little bundle on my chest because she, too, had a short cord like Miss A.  Odd.  Miss S let out a little cry and once Husband cut the cord they whisked her over to be evaluated.

It was a long time.  All was quiet over there.  A little too quiet.  I called over to Husband but I don't think he heard me.  Finally, a nurse came and told me that little Miss S was having a hard time breathing and they were taking her to the NICU.  They let me touch her and see her for about two minutes and they were gone.  Husband went with her.  I remember crying and telling Husband, "I'm sorry."  I was sorry I couldn't keep her in longer.  While I know now there was nothing I could do, in that moment it felt like my fault.  I should have been able to keep her safe inside a little bit longer.  Our other girls had been early and no problems.  I naively thought she would be fine, too.

When all was said and done I was able to go down to the NICU (A branch of Phoenix Children's NICU - one of the best - is located on the same floor as L & D in this hospital) for about 20 minutes to see Miss S before I had to check in my room and with the nurses there.  Thankfully, Husband had already shown me pictures of what she looked like otherwise I think I would have just lost it with all the wires and tubes attached to her.

Miss S had a CPAP machine on her to force air in her lungs and cause them to really open up.  Gosh she did not like that thing.  Nurses called her, "feisty."  She also has a small tube that went down into her stomach to pull out stuff that may accumulate there as a by product of the CPAP and give her small amounts of nourishment.  They also wanted to be able to tell if she was digesting things well (which she wasn't for awhile because she was working so hard on breathing.)  She had an IV that was giving her some medicine that she needed and other nourishment.  Then there were all the "normal" wires for any baby in the NICU that check heart rate, breathing, and oxygen saturation.  It was pretty intense for me and my baby was not the sickest baby in NICU.  I couldn't even being to imagine what other mama's were experiencing.

So, now began my days of working on getting my milk to come in to help nourish Miss S while she was in there and not allowed to work on sucking.  Too much for her system to process.  This seemed like a daunting task as well given my not so great history in overall milk production.  Trips down to the NICU.  Healing. Checking in with my nurses from time to time.  Rest. Miss S made great progress -- breathing, then eating, some jaundice curbed.  I was discharged from the hospital on Monday (an interesting balance between time with Miss L and Miss A and being at the hospital) and Miss S finally was able to come home on Thursday evening.

She's doing better and seems to be thriving.  We are adjusting to being a family of five and thanking the Lord foe each sweet blessing and the extravagant love He shows to us through each one.

More thoughts and side stories of the NICU in the coming days/weeks.

This Is The Day

When you saw the title did the song go running through your head?

Several months ago when this song would be stuck in my head because we generally sing it at the preschool co-op that we attend it would drive me utterly bananas. BA.NA.NAS.  Miss L generally wants to sing it and Miss A grasps that when we sing this song we clap along.  To say the least, it is sung often around here.  I know that it is Scriptural and all...  but the repetition was wearing on me.  I think the Lord knew that I would need the repetition...

...to learn something.

The song now has a deep and sentimental meaning to me.  The Lord used the preschool song to minister to my heart during a time when I needed to be reminded that He was really in control.

When I was finally able to hold Miss S for the first time in the NICU the nurse said to make sure to talk to her about whatever or to sing to her.  We like to sing around here.  My husband is a wonderful singer... I, on the other hand, have a hard time carrying a tune on a silver plate.  But that doesn't generally stop me and I do have my moments of actually singing well.  Anyway.  Sing?  The first thing that came to mind was, This is the Day.  So, I started singing it to her and realized the deep theology (and extravagant LOVE) that was being imparted to me at that moment.  I choked through the rest of the words as I realized my own personal struggles with the current situation this was indeed the day that the Lord had made, had given to me, and I would rejoice in Him, that my baby was alive... I would choose to be glad.

That became our mantra of sorts.  I sang that song each morning that I came in to see Miss S and it really helped me to gain perspective on the day.  Our pastor came to visit one afternoon and I shared with him how the Lord had used this simple song to show Himself to me.  It felt childish in some way but so very significant in another.  You know... I was okay with that.

I realized the other day that I had stopped singing this song to Miss S when we got home.  I shall have to remedy that.

Happy Holidays?

Now, don't go getting your tinsel in a tangle because I used the term "happy holidays" in my title.  Hear me out here.

I saw this image on a friends Facebook wall the other day.  It made me think.  While I may not totally "get" Kwanzaa I am sure there are many that don't get why our family does Advent, Christmas, and we actually give more than a nod towards Epiphany.  But as I thought about this image I wondered if I wished someone a Merry Christmas would they in turn wish me a merry/joyous/happy whatever they celebrate?

Little did I know that I would find out a few days later.

I was leaving the pediatrician on Wednesday with our newest one and our oldest one who likes to come help Mama with Miss S.  I was getting them secured in the van when Miss L asked where Miss S was at that moment.  I told her that Miss S was right next to me and that she was okay.  I realized a lady had moved to a bench behind me with the intentions of grabbing a quick smoke in the designated area.  Awesome.  I had basically parked in the smoking section!  This kind lady head me talking, realized I had a newborn, and quickly said she would wait to light up her cigarette until we were underway.  I appreciated her consideration greatly.  She then asked how old Baby Girl was and then wished me a "Merry Christmas."  I wished her one as well and then she replied, "Hanukkah, actually, but thank you."  She was very kind about it.  I engaged her a little about Hanukkah and I think she was surprised that I knew that it had actually started at sunset the evening before.  This whole time Miss L is shouting from in the car, "Merry Christmas!!" Precious and funny at that particular moment all at the same time.

I immediately thought back to this social network image.  Interesting, right?  Basically, I am fine with whatever you want to tell me as long as I can tell you my preference.  However, if I know you celebrate one in particular that is what I will tell you.  However, I do take issue with curbing what people would normally says for the sake of political correctness. Political Correctness, in my book, has overstayed its welcome.

So, from our house to yours...

Merry Christmas!

On a side note, my conversation was of enough time that she never had time to take her smoke break as her ride came to pick her up.  ha ha!  YES!!

And, yes, there will be a post about the arrival of Miss S. :)

Did Not Forget

No, I have not forgotten this blog exists.

However, I am trying to figure out how we are only about a week away from Thanksgiving.  However, I am not too overwhelmed by that because what I still need to pick up from the store is minimal.

I have made little progress on my freezer meal list and I think that I am just going to be okay with that.  I may have a few things that I want to work on and maybe I will bring in help for those things.  We will see.  I have two turkeys in the freezer right now and we will cook them up and bag the meat in December.  Seriously, I can't beat the price to not only feed my family for about .59/lb but then I can turkey stock and have that on hand in the future as well.  I am a bit bummed that prices are not as low as last year but in the grand scheme of things I cannot complain.

I have a TON of recipes to post.  Last week I used my slow cooker almost every day trying out new things to cook in there.  Some are total winners and some... well, were major flops in my book...but my husband is ever the encouragement and eats it and even is willing to take it to work for lunch.  I am debating about putting the "flops" on the blog.  Although, I saw someone do that and kind of liked that I saw that not all things are yummy or come out the way we want them... and the pizza delivery at the last moment can be and is a reality in some homes with littles 'round the table.

With all that said, I have just been tired and working on some other things.  Also, I have been gimping around as my hips have been bothering me more in this pregnancy than the previous two.  Yesterday, I had a ton of energy and got some things done only to realize I over did it by the time it came to dinner.  To be honest, I have also just wanted to veg out by the time the girls go to bed.  I will try to be more productive in the coming days.  HA!

Miss A's Birth Story

I find Miss A's birth story to be quite entertaining at times.  Mostly because it all basically starts on our anniversary. Nothing says "celebration" like an OB appointment, right?  When we found out that Miss A was head down I started to cry.  It was one of the best things I had ever heard.  I so desperately wanted to try for a VBAC and my OB said as long as she was head down and I went into labor on my own (no use of labor inducing drugs, etc) then I should be fine.

The week prior to this particular appointment (36 weeks) my OB checked me and said I was at least 4.5 cm -- she said she couldn't quite give me 5cm.  She said let's see what happens over the next week and if I want I can have my membranes stripped the next week.

Fast forward to the next Thursday (37 weeks) and it's our wedding anniversary.  My dad drops me off at my appointment while Husband's parents watch Miss L.  We did it this way so that after the appointment Husband and I can go to dinner together in one car.  It's just nicer that way, you know.  I meet with the doctor and confirm that I am nearly at 5 cm but not quite and about 90% effaced.  Can you say, "ticking time bomb?"  We talk about the possibility of stripping my membranes.  Let's face it.  It's the end of August in the Valley of the Sun.  It's hot.  I'm big.  I want this baby to come on out.  I'm done.  Husband and I look at each other and say, "Sure."  The doctor stripped my membranes and off to dinner we go.  I had heard that some people could go into labor 12 hours after having this done.  Some 24 hours later.  Some it doesn't really do much of anything.  Depends on how ready you and baby are.  We didn't really know what to expect.

Husband and I enjoyed a lovely dinner at a local Italian restaurant.  We basically had the whole place to ourselves until about the last 15 minutes we were there.  It was awesome.  We had a lovely dinner and some yummy dessert.  As we were getting in the car I could tell something was happening and mentioned as much to Husband.  We arrive home in time to put Miss L to bed ourselves.  We also tell Husband's mom to go home and get things ready as we think Miss A will be arriving sometime during the night.  At this point my contractions are starting to build.  Some are enough that I need to stop talking to concentrate to get through them.  It turns out that I am in labor just three or four hours after having my membranes stripped!  Nutty.

We head to the hospital around 10:00 PM.  Longest. Ride. Ever.  The hospital we went to is a bit of a drive from our house but it's not horribly far.  I'm pretty sure it felt like we were driving to California.  However, I was thankful for an app that Husband had on his phone that we had been timing my contractions with during the evening.  It gets to the point where it is able to predict your contractions.  I liked having a few seconds to mentally prepare for the next contraction and to be able to see potentially when it would end.  It was pretty accurate!  I finally understood all the talk about how difficult and painful it is to labor laying on your back or sitting can be.  I needed to be on a ball or the best for me was kneeling on the bed "on all fours."

The nurses had a hard time keeping the monitor on me and were very supportive of me moving around.  So, every 20 minutes or so they would hold the monitors on me to get a reading and then leave me be.  I wanted to go as long as I could without medication.  I got to the point where I was just shaking through contractions and couldn't stay up.  Throw in the towel.  Show me some epidural love.  It apparently was just the right timing for me because the anesthesiologist was available almost immediately rather than the over an hour wait I had been warned about.  Ahh... relief.  I think at that point I hadn't progressed much beyond 5 cm.  Te doctor talked to me about breaking my bag of waters and seeing what would happen.  It was nice to be able to rest.  Husband was a little nervous at this point that I would stall and have to have a c-section again.  Epidurals can help but they have also been known to hinder.  I told him, "Well, we'll just have to wait and see what happens."  We went to sleep.  Weird, right?

After a couple of hours the nurse (Nurse Laura?) came in to check me.  7cm!  Yeah for progress!!  Husband was amazed.  So we kept sleeping.  Each time they checked me another centimeter progress.  Moving right along.  At sometime before 6 AM I was fully dilated and ready to push.  The doctor told the nurse to go ahead and have me start pushing and he would be there soon.  Apparently I was a better pusher than anyone anticipated because soon the nurse stepped out to call the doctor down and to hurry.  Unfortunately, there was a point where Miss A was "right there" but couldn't quite push her through.  After nearly an hour of pushing the doctor asked what I thought about an episiotomy.  "No way, Jose!" was my response.  However, he told me why he was thinking about it and after awhile I consented.  The only reason it was ultimately worth it was because Miss A came out on the next push!  YAY!!  Miss A was born at 7:09 AM (the day after our anniversary...whew!), 6lbs 9oz, and 19 inches long.

Dr. J had told me when we started that he likes to put babies right away up on the mother's chest and let the mothers clean the babies.  So, I was waiting for that.  However, when Miss A came out he just held her.  He looked up and said, "Her umbilical cord is too short to reach your chest so we have to cut it before you can hold her."  Random and funny all at the same time.

Miss A was perfectly healthy.  After some time they moved us to a "shared" room and hoped to move me to a private room later in the afternoon.  Once settled into the private room I was a bit more comfortable with everything.  The healing process from a c-section vs. successful VBAC were very different.  Each with their own pros and cons.  The details of each I won't go into here.  Some small and some significant.

The first night the nurse came in to do some measurements and other tests on Miss A.  They had to take her and that was no big deal.  When she came back she made the comment, "This is one of the strongest babies I have ever seen!  I usually weigh them on their tummies so they are not so wiggly and your baby rolled right over!"  I laughed.  Indications of what was to come?  Maybe.

Miss A started to show some signs of jaundice.  Doctors said we could go home as long as we had he blood levels checked the next day (which was a Sunday) -- we located a place that would be open on Sunday and we were discharged Saturday late afternoon.  Awesome!

We took Miss A in for a blood test and her jaundice was a bit increased.  They told us to see out regular doctor on Tuesday.  So, in we went to our regular pediatrician.  Unfortunately, by Tuesday even I could see that Miss A was a bit "yellow."  Our pediatrician was concerned and upset at the advice to wait from the other doctor.  He sent us on chase to try to get Miss A's blood levels checked.  However, it was late in the day and most places were closing up.  In the meantime our doctor went ahead and ordered a bili-blanket for Miss A to start right away (home light therapy) which was delivered to our house.  Needless to say, we didn't find a place to have her blood test that night but went in right away Wednesday morning.  We got a call back by noon that day from our doctor confirming that her levels were high and to keep using the blanket.  She had to be getting the lights except when she was nursing.  He warned that if her levels remained high the next morning then we would have to go to the hospital.  Her levels came down and we had to go in for blood tests the next three days as well as keep her in the blanket.  I was glad we could treat at home but a little scary, too.  We learned a few things for sure.

We had more nursing issues with Miss A like we did with Miss L -- to be anticipated at some level.  We hired a private lactation consultant and it made a world of difference.  I produced more milk this time around but still had many struggles and frustrations.  But it was all worth it.